


the sun was in your eyes, you couldn’t believe it

by fathomless



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Post-5x09, Written before 5x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-11 19:51:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15323022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fathomless/pseuds/fathomless
Summary: “No,” she whispered in response. “It’s not.”“But—““I left him behind.” She said, desperate, voice fragile, breaking on the last word. “I left him behind, and he— he’s—“Or, Indra makes it to Shallow Valley before Bellamy and Clarke assumes the worst.





	the sun was in your eyes, you couldn’t believe it

Her heart dropped upon the sight of Indra entering the clearing, sight became blurry as tears began to fill her eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment.  _ No.  _ If Indra was alive, that meant Bellamy was— she spared herself of the thought. He couldn’t be, could he?  _ Could he? _

 

If they had been forced to fight in the pit and Indra was the one returning, that meant, without a doubt… she had won. And Bellamy was—

 

“Clarke, are you okay?” Madi asked from beside her, and it was only then that Clarke realized she was squeezing the young girl’s hand with a grip much harder than she had realized, one that must have been painful. She was unable to speak, unable to find her voice for fear of the sobs that would likely wrack her body, so settled for simply nodding her head, lying despite what she really felt. Madi eyed her with concern, she could feel it. Her eyes, meanwhile, stayed focused on the person who had just returned. Her mind, her heart was only focused on the person who hadn’t.

 

_ Bellamy was dead.  _

 

She allowed herself to finish the thought for the first time, whimpering as it settled. She had abandoned him, he had died thinking she hated him. His last memory of her was that of her hand coming into contact with his face, her eyes meeting his as she walked away from him for what would unknowingly be the last time. 

 

She was mad at him still, yes, the anger settled deep within her, but at the thought of him being truly dead, it seemed to dissipate entirely. 

 

“Clarke? Clarke, are you sure you’re okay?”  _ No. “ _ I think you need to sit down, okay? We’re just— let’s go sit.” Unable to fight against it, she allowed Madi to pull her over to one of the nearby logs. She urged her to sit down, but it was like her body wasn’t her own at the moment. Eventually, she settled on sitting first, pulling Clarke down with her, gentle, as if Clarke was fragile, likely to break at any second. Truth be told, she was. Just not physically.

 

Sat there, chaos happening all around her, she could only hear a deafening silence, followed by a collage of words and memories filling her head, surrounding her.

 

_ If the air’s toxic, we’re all dead anyway.  _ The slicked back hair, bravado he had put on, challenging her from the beginning.  _ Brave Princess _ . He only continued to challenge her, to enrage her whenever he was around. He was nothing but a self-serving jackass with an obvious soft spot for his sister. Clarke knew, at least, that he loved her, even beneath the show he put on. 

 

Memories of him filled her senses. Memories of her life without him over the last six years did so as well, the days where she longed for nothing but for him to be alive ... to see his face again.

 

And she did. The first time she saw him again, she wasn’t sure he was real. She wondered, briefly, if she had been dead, if he was an angel sent to retrieve her from this heinous place. But he wasn’t. He was undeniably real, solid when she hugged him, his smell enveloping her in both something new and that of familiarity. 

 

It had only been a short time, though, before she left him to meet his demise. 

 

_ It was her fault. Bellamy was dead, and it was all her fault. If she had tried to negotiate with Octavia, if she hadn’t let her anger and worry for Madi blind her senses, if she would have done just one thing differently, he could have been here with her.  _

 

_ She was so angry at him when she left, he had died thinking she hated him, no doubt. She never had the chance to offer him the forgiveness he may have needed, to tell him how much he meant to her despite the anger she held.  _

 

_ She never had the chance to tell him she loved him.  _

 

She didn’t realize she was crying until Madi pulled her close. 

 

“Shh, it’s okay.” She ran a hand through her hair, tightening her hold. 

 

But it wasn’t. Bellamy was  _ dead. _

 

“No,” she whispered in response. “It’s not.” 

 

“But—“

 

“I left him behind.” She said, desperate, voice fragile, breaking on the last word. “I left him behind, and he— he’s—“ She was unable to finish, curling in on herself as Raven’s words echoed in her mind.  _ It damn near killed him, leaving you behind to die, and you do the same with no hesitation. Do you even care, Clarke? Because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it. _

 

“Clarke,” Madi whispered, sounding as though she was close to tears herself. “He could still be alive, right? There’s no way to know for sure.” Clarke shook her head.

 

“Only one leaves the pit alive,” she took a breath, trying to pull herself together. “Indra’s here. Not Gaia… not Bellamy.” 

 

Madi simply squeezed her hand in response. 

 

_ What was she supposed to do without him? _

 

Even when he was in space, she had the radio as a tether to him, the belief that he was okay and could hear her speaking to him each day. She hadn’t been completely without Bellamy Blake since he entered her life, even if she only had the thought of him when they were apart. Now, knowing he was gone, that he wasn’t coming back, it was a different story.

 

She felt, at the moment, as though her heart had been ripped from her chest.  _ How appropriate _ . She could feel the blood pouring from the wound and, albeit figuratively, she imagined it actually happening wouldn’t be nearly as painful. 

 

“Clarke?” Madi whispered. She glanced up in acknowledgement, meeting the young girl’s eyes. “He loved you, too, you know.” She leaned back at the statement, taking a ragged breath. “He only did what he did to save you. It was for the others, and the war, too, but you were right there, at the front of his mind.

 

I told him, when he was talking to me about the flame with Gaia, that you would never forgive him, but he didn’t seem to care. He knew that if I took the flame, you would live, even if you hated him for it.”

 

“I don’t—“ She wiped at her face, hoping to rid herself of some of the dirt and tears she knew was covering it. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement near the edge of the woods. Unwilling to get her hopes up, she froze, waiting with bated breath for the figure to reveal themself. 

 

She pulled slightly away from Madi, beginning to stand, hoping despite herself.

 

Into the light of the fires surrounding them, he stepped, allowing her to see, fully and without doubt that it was him. Her knees buckled as she tried to stand, taking him in. Despite looking worse for wear, he was _alive._

 

And suddenly, despite what had happened between them within the past day, she felt whole, like a part of her had been missing and was just placed back where it belonged.

 

_ “Bellamy,” _ she breathed, almost unbelieving. With the sight of him came feelings she couldn’t name, yet also a plethora of those she could. Among them, anger ranked high, still upset at him over the ordeal with the flame. And yet, she couldn’t help but feel startling, overwhelming relief. 

 

Then, before she could register it, her legs were moving on their own accord, taking her to him. Her best friend, her person, despite everything that had occurred between them, who was  _ alive _ .

 

When she came close to him, she slowed, unsure of how to approach him. He stared at her in what seemed to be that of disbelief, of unsure, unsteady feelings harbored underneath. She felt that, too. 

 

“We need to talk,” she stated, avoiding his eyes. 

 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “We do.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! I’m actually not super happy with this one, I definitely rushed myself in an effort to finish before this week’s episode, but it’s all good!! I’d like to note that at the current point in the show, i’m not too sure as to what Clarke’s reaction to this particular situation would be, but tried my best to write her as in character as possible while also trying to acknowledge the anger she holds towards him right now, though I didn’t make that a focal point. I rambled a bit too much, but anyway, as always, let me know what you think :)


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